February 26, 2013

Your mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh Lord.

Since Junjun died I carry a heaviness in my heart because I miss knowng that he is just in Davao ---in   our family home. But he is NO LONGER, so I feel something of me is no longer too. I continue to live but something of me is missing. I think when he left so unexpectedly, he took a part of me that I cannot quite figure out exactly what it is. There is a deep empty hole in my heart that holds loneliness and that loneliness brims and seeps out each day and makes itself  known to me. It walks with me as I go from school to school. It gets in the car as I drive from home to work and back. It sups with me when I have my lunch. It keeps me company during my in-between work moments. Pictures of his face flash in my mind and when I realize he is no longer, my heart screams inside in disbelief. This life is very strange now.

Dear Lord, 
You alone are my CONSTANT that keeps me going  each day. Thank you for your comfort. Thank you for  Your love. Help me Lord to worship you in spite of the pain in my heart. Remind me that You are the GREAT I AM, my ABBA FATHER. I may not understand so many things  in our lives but I know You are a God whose love endures forever.  Amen

February 19, 2013

A blanket of snow,
The trees are bare.
Animal footprints mark the snowy ground,
I look through the window of my Poconos dining room.
The sun casts gray shadows of tree trunks.
It is so beautiful out.
Beautiful and sad.
I miss my Nanay and Juning.
This sadness comes from two converging sources---in a span of five months, the deaths of my kid brother and my aged mother. And so when I grieve, my heart gets confused---I am not crying for one person anymore, but two at the same time or  alternately.  It is overwhelming. It is painful. It is confusing.

February 22, 2013
I am a walking sadsack. I go from school to school to see my students, In between schools I grieve, I pray, I take life one step at a time. There is pain brimming in my heart---every now and then it spills over. Death is such a sad affair for us who are left behind.

I do not know what to do with myself  these days. I just carry on with life although my heart is tired and [numb and hurting] at the same time (is that possible?).

February 25, 2013

My heart is heavy but I choose to thank you Lord for:

• Steve and Zachary
• the rest of my family
• good health
• my job
• ability to walk, hear, eat, taste, feel, drive, sleep (for all bodily functions normally working)
• the air to breathe and water to drink
• warm bed and roof on our heads, clothes on our bodies
• sound mind, the sunshine and the rain, my sisters, my bestfriends, Your comfort
• access to your grace, Your unchanging love,
• Your presence......and many many more to thank YOu for....

My Lord, I  bask in Your presence and fill my heart with Your peace. I  think of you and your goodness and faithfulness. I   immerse myself in thoughts of all that you've done for me, for us. I thank You because You are my Abba Father who never fails in His love for me. Lord teach me to focus on You and love You and  worship You and serve You all my life. Amen.